They Change You

I first discovered Sex and the City when I was about thirteen or fourteen. I was flipping through the options when I came across a channel that played movies, the uncut versions. Mom didn’t know I had discovered this treasure or else she would have put the parental block on anything that wasn’t ABC Family, Disney Channel, or Nickelodeon. This is where I discovered the movie with “Sex” in the title. Who does that? Put “Sex” in the title of a movie? What if little kids saw? What if someone like myself saw? That’s when I pressed play and became hooked on the lives of Carrie Bradshaw, Charlotte York, Samantha Jones, and Miranda Hobbs.

When you watch a show like Sex and the City, what else are you going to think about other than sex, your past relationships, and your sex with those past relationships?

An ex-turned friend (We will call him, Black Ops) once told me that you learn something about yourself and what you like with each failed relationship. I thought he was just full of BS at the time, since he was telling me this but of information right after we broke up. That was five years and four serious relationships ago. I am currently working on my fifth and I do believe that the serial-dating, ass-hat friend of mine actually passed on a bit of wisdom. Which is odd considering he was only nineteen and had only been in two serious relationships prior.

“You learn something about yourself and what you like with each failed relationship.” Well the latter part of that statement seems obvious. Of course you learn what you like and don’t like with each relationship. That’s all part of the process. Some people develop a physical type that attracts them, some people develop a personality type that attracts them, some people develop both. With each new significant other you learn your likes and dislikes until you find someone that has more of the things you like than dislike.

It’s that first part that I didn’t understand until after I broke up with the guy I dated after Black Ops. I started to reflect on what I had learned from my last relationships and those before meeting the serial dater with god-like wisdom. To my surprise and horror…he was right.

While dating the boy I had dated before meeting Black Ops, I learned that I need attention, not all the time, but enough so that it equaled the attention he gave his gaming system. I also learned I did not want to wait until he was 18 and I was 20 to have sex (he was 15 and I was 17 when we started dating). Then there was the serial dater, or as you now know him as Black Ops, who gave me as much attention as I wanted, but he also gave it to other girls. He never cheated physically, but I caught him talking to other girls online, which in his eyes wasn’t “techinally” cheating. The one after him, too controlling, the one after that was too old, and the one after that was a big baby.

What did I learn from them?  I learned that if a man didn’t take “no” for an answer he could become vengeful and violent. I learned how to stand up for myself when it came to a boy that could potentially become a man that abuses women. From the older man I gained the confidence to buy my first pair of shorts. From the baby? Well I learned the little red flags of when a boy is still a boy.

After dating the baby I took a break and focused on my studies. By the time  school let out for the summer I was lonely again. I had just turned twenty and I fancied myself more experienced at dating the dating game. So I turned to my old friends Tinder and OkCupid, to help me find someone that I really connected with.

And it worked! I thought I had finally found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We dated for ten months. Almost broke up three times, actually broke up once and go back together.

Now here I am almost a month later and in a new relationship. What did I learn form “Almost Mr. Perfect”? I learned that my dreams of living in the big city and having tons of money were my mother’s dreams, imposed on me due to growing up with little to no money of her own and having a hard time taking care of two kids with one income. I learned that I don’t need money and fancy things to be happy. I also learned that I tend to put my eggs on one basket. I saw a future with my ex-boyfriend before we had even dropped the “L-bomb”.  With this new guy I am taking it slower and am trying to suppress my urges to dream about our wedding and what our children will look like.

I never thought of someone changing me so much. I knew that as people grew older, our dreams and aspirations changed. I never imagined someone that I had sex with would be influence me so much.

 

-Girl Y

 

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